I often wonder whether my dreams mean anything at all.  I usually cannot remember any of my dreams.  When I wake up they just dissipate.  Lately however I've had a few where I remember very clearly what happened in the dreams and what they were about, who was in them, everything.  It's very odd.

 When I was younger I had quite a few prophetic dreams.  Actually prophetic, but they weren't too c ommon and usually were the only ones I could remember.  Right now I've had serveral dreams with similar themes, but no tying thread as far as I can see.  I don't know what they mean, but dream interpretation books are of no help.

I hope I figure them out soon, because it's driving me nuts!

Before I begin a bit about myself.  I'm 21 years old and have been living away from home since I was 16.  I went to college early and so have been either in the dorms or in an apartment since about that age.  I always found it quite liberating.  My place, with my things and my order.  I cleaned, and took care of my clothes, and my room/place, and everything was set up the way I wanted.

Now I'm 21 and living my boyfriend.  We're happy and we have a nice enough place.  It's set up in a cozy, comfortable enough way.  Either way, it's mine.  With my kitchen, and my appliances, and we do the chores and move things as we please, and it's just very us.  I went home to visit my parents for a week.  They're in the process of moving to a new home, or preparing their new home for the move, and my mom and I were picking out paint colors for different rooms.  It was fun.  We talked and laughed and watched the same silly decorating and Lifetime shows and movies.  My dad and I went antiquing, which was ok, but my mom and I spent more legit time together.  We cooked, and cleaned, and talked, and laughed over silly things, and attemted to light the pilot light on the boiler (interesting experience).  All in all it felt friendly. 

Unlike my dad, my mom stopped treating me like a kid, somewhere along the way.  At some point between the time I was 16 and now we became more pals then mother and daughter.  She was great when I was young, until about 10 or 11.  At that point I started growing up and she didn't want to let go.  We fought a lot, and the stress of life made her a not so great mom (I won't get into the details).  These past couple of years though, she's been wonderful again.  She's someone who gives me good advice, but knows when to back off and let me make my own decision.I have begun to appreciate that a lot.

The sad part, I visited my parents for a week, and I just came home to my guy.  It feels nice to be with him, but everything feels odd.  Sleeping on the couch (I don't like my old bed) at my parents house, felt so much more natural, much quicker than sleeping in my own bed does now (maybe it's because there's no cat walking on my face or meowing all night at their place lol).  I feel awkward and worn out here.  Everything that needs to get done is on me and my guy, and I can't share it with my mom.  She's obviously better at the housey stuff and my boy, because she's a mom and years of experience have taught her well.  On top of that, I just plain miss her.   Sometimes when you feel lonely nobody can help you except your mommy!  She's the only one with the magic tough who makes it all better.  Just smelling her scent makes you feel ok and safe, after having it for a week, now she's miles away again.

I feel sad, and lonely and miss her.  To add to that, I feel guilty.  My guy feels sad that he can't make it better, and sadder still because he says he should be enough.  But she's my MOMMY!  I don't know how to get out of my funk, and I don't know how to make him understand.  I just wish I lived in the same town as my parents so I could visit more often.  Knowing that I could go see them next weekend or in a week for dinner would make it all easier, but I can't and so I feel crappy!

I began thinking, what do friends really owe each other?  What should a friend give?  And what should they expect out of them? It became rather clear that at the very least you should give and expect respect.  That all friendship must be based in at at least in that much. 

I couldn't come up with much else that a friend has to give or expect to be considered a friend.  Some friends you talk to about relationships, some about food, some hand out and watch movies, others talk on the phone.  Ever friendship is different, but all have the basic repsect. 

Two nights ago I picked up a friend at her house, and my boyfriend picked up one of his buddies.  We were all going to hang out at our place.  We rented a couple of movies and it was pretty alright.  We enjoyed Ironman and some romantic comedy (Love and Mary... I think).  It wasn't bad. 

After the movies my guy's buddy suggested we go to a bar.  Nobody else really felt like it, but he kept insisting because he wanted to meet a couple of other guys there.  My guy took him to the bar and told him to call.  The other guys drove him back to our place.... Ughh, ok... My friend decided to throw a fuss about being bored, even though she hand't wanted to go out.  I figured out a show (Buffy, which I own) that we could watch.  She really got into it.  Both of our friends spent the night, becuase my guy and I didn't want to give rides late at night.

The next day my guy had to go to work, and I went job hunting and to an interview.  We let our friends crash for a couple hours at our place, and use our computers so they didn't have to wake up early.  When we came back at 3:30 pm, they wanted to hang out some more. We continued to watch Buffy for a few more episodes.  I fed everyone at the house, before the guys went out to look for a new cell phone for my guy's friend.  Both of our friends left small messes, rather than get up and put their plates in the kitchen

When they came back, I was hungry again and wanted to go out and get food.  We went out to McDonalds so we could grab a bite.  At the drive through I ended up paying for everyone.  My guy will get me back, no biggie, my friend paid me back immediately, but my guy's friend didn't say anything, and didn't pay me back.  This is not the first time this happened.  Remember also that I just lost my job!  He still has his.

 When we got back to our place I told my friend I wanted to take her back that night, because I was leaving for my parent's house the next day and wouldn't be back for a week.  Since I was taking the car my guy couldn't take them back the next day.  I also thought it made sense that I wanted to be alone with my guy that night.  She started a fuss, you think you live so close to downtown and live right there, it's not a far drive, you should just take me back in the morning.  I said, I really would rather that night since I had to pack and get ready the next morning.  She blew me off, and started saying how she wanted to stay and how I shouldn't make such a big deal about it, and how I should figure it out.

My guy had to take them back this morning while I packed, took a shower and cleaned the apartment.  I was pissed.  A few weeks ago she told me it's tough being my friend!  She listed off a bunch of reasons, including that I was argumentative.  I apologized, but honestly didn't feel motivated to change since I don't argue with her but with my guy in front of her (refer back to the politics post...lol).  Now looking back, I realize if one of my other friends had said that, I would have cared much more.  Some of my friends bring something every time I invite them to dinner, they respect my house, and put dishes in the sink, then never invite themselves to stay unless I invite them.  They respect me.  She, on the other hand, considers hanging out, sitting on my couch, eating my food, making demands and leaving a mess. 

All in all I was very bothered, about her and about my guy's friend.  I felt used!  I felt like I was being walked all over, and I felt like I didn't want to invite them over again.  I was always taught to respect other people and their things.  I don't understand how you can take advantage of someone's hospitality like that, and how you can not see that it's wrong.  Maybe I should have been more firm, but it felt rude to do so, and I didn't feel good being rude, just because she was.  I think the one solution is just to minimize time with them since they obviously don't want to respect me and my house.

Have you ever had friends take advantage of you or make you feel used?  How did you deal with it?  What do you say?  What do you do?  How do stand up without being rude?

 I guess I shouldn't have been surprised with all the layoffs in the country.  But I was good at my job, and I worked hard, and my boss liked me!  I never thought I would lose my job for any reason.  I guess when your boss can't afford to pay you, you really have no reason to be there. 

For one night I cried, and was angry, what else could I do?  Oh I sent out over a dozen applications.  The next day (today) I filled out another dozen.  I already have an interview for next week.  All I can keep doing it keep looking, and keep trying.  I'll find something new, I always do.  It'll be ok, because I'll make it ok.  I have no other choice.

I just wish this had come at a better time of year.  It's hard to be disappointed on New Years!  I think I just needed to vent on here.  Also anybody else have stories of sheer disappointment?  How'd you get through it?  What made it better?  Help me out with inspirational tales!